I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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