at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
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I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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