I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
