so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
