Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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