When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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