his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
