we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
