I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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