so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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