now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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