sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
