I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
