My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
