I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
