just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
