I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
