i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
