My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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