Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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