so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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