peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Sober January is a disaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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