the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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