Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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