I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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