worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
