Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
