Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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