meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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