I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
