Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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