Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
