I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
