The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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