Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
