you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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