You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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