Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
