Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
