Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
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