I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
How external is "for external use only"?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
