and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
