that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
