ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
