My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
