You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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