yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
