They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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