My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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