wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
