Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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