Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
