Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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