PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
