If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
