she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
