I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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