I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
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i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
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I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Sorry about my life...
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