He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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