Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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