I want to walk on stilts...naked
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
